Babies have a lot to Tell Us
IN THE BEGINNING most new parents are awed by the prospect of parenthood. They 
know the immeasurable impact they will have on their children and are often afraid that if they do it “wrong,” the consequences will be devastating. A child’s to-do list before his 3rd birthday is daunting. He learns to differentiate himself from others, respond to and influence his environment, and begins to regulate both his body and his emotions. In the first years, he learns to communicate, form friendships, and to cope with conflict. The successfully astering of these tasks will produce a child ready for school, ready for lasting relationships and ready for life. That is quite an agenda for a squirming baby - and quite overwhelming for his caregivers.
For some, caregiving is intuitive. Instinctively there are those who know how to tune into a baby’s world and develop a warm, secure attachment. For others, child rearing is less innate. This may be due to poor role models, free-floating anxiety about parenthood in an age of fear and terrorism or because now, more than ever before, first-time parents are older, with less energy and patience. In addition, today’s professional parents often reside hundreds of miles from family and support systems and struggle to keep up with the demands of duo career households. And for the first time, it is not uncommon to hire non-family members - sometimes within weeks of birth - for full-time help in raising children.
Once a practice only among the upper crust, hiring a nanny is now widespread. Since research now shows definitively that the experiences in the first years of life will affect every aspect of the child’s development and interaction in the world, parents have a lot riding on the individuals with whom they have entrusted their children’s care. A baby does not wait until his caregivers are up to speed on research and practice. He bursts onto the scene with his own distinct temperament, hard-wired to begin relationships and ready to teach his parents and caregivers exactly what he wants. The goal for parents, grandparents, nannies, and all his caregivers is to understand and respond to what he has to tell them.
This paper will underscore three principles:
1. Babies arrive with amazing in-born abilities.
2. A child’s early experiences will either frustrate or enhance his genetic potential.
3. Early non-parental caregivers are very significant members of the child-rearing
team.
I. NATURE
Babies are not blank slates or potters’ clay ready to be molded by their environment. They come into the world already armed with amazing genetic abilities.
A. THE HUMAN BRAIN IS HARDWIRED FOR PROMOTING RELATIONSHIPS
From the moment of her birth, the infant seeks nurturance and love and responds with an unshakeable attachment to the primary adult who supplies that love - usually her mother. Soon, she will form attachments to others - usually not as unshakeable as her attachment to mom - but strong attachments, nonetheless, to all those who give consistent, loving and responsive caregiving. Attachments are necessary for brain development; as important as food, sound, and light.
WHAT DOES THIS MEAN FOR CAREGIVING? Some parents are worried that their baby will be more attached to the nanny than to Mom and Dad. They may flinch when the baby is being cuddled and held warmly by his caregiver. Parents need to see this attachment as a positive step in the baby’s development and that this attachment is helping the baby learn to trust and to feel secure.
B. EACH NEWBORN IS UNIQUE, BORN WITH HIS OWN TEMPERAMENT
Is the baby finicky because his mother is anxious? Is a happy, calm baby just born that way? Temperament is a person’s normal, natural style of behaving and responding to the world. Temperament does not dictate what children will do but helps understand how they do it. An individual’s temperament is a combination of the traits and characteristics that one is born with (nature) combined with the effect of relationships and environment (nurture). Some babies are born quiet and watchful while others are excitable or hypersensitive. Some have strong social needs, and others are wary of all new faces. There is not a “correct” temperament, but a broad range of temperamental styles.
“Goodness of fit” between a child’s temperament and his environment has an impact on his ability to grow and develop. When caregiver expectations match the child’s traits, tendencies, and abilities, then the fit between the child and her caregivers promotes a healthy environment. When the environment is not a good fit with her temperament, she may experience stress which may affect your own self esteem and confidence.
Stella Chess and Alexander Thomas have identified nine temperament variables:
1. Activity Level–the amount of movement and activity in daily circumstances on a scale from low to high.
2. Rhythmicity or Regularity–the amount of regularity in daily activities like eating and sleeping on a scale from irregular to regular.
3. Mood–the tendency to have happy or unhappy behavior and reactions on a scale from negative to positive.
4. Threshold or Sensitivity–the amount of noise, pain, activity, or other stimulation that causes a response on a scale from low to high sensitivity.
5. Intensity or intensity of reaction–the amount of energy put into reactions on a scale from low to high, or mild to strong.
6. Approach/Withdrawal–the tendency shown when first reacting to new people or situations on a scale from ease of approach to withdrawal from new situation.
7. Adaptability–the tendency toward changes in daily life on a scale from low to high adaptability.
8. Attention Span and Persistence–the length of time spent on an activity, regardless of distractions; how long and how important it is to stick with an activity on a scale from low to high attention span and persistence.
9. Distractibility–the tendency toward continuing activity when faced with noise, other activity or interruption on a scale of low to high distractibility.
WHAT DOES THIS MEAN FOR CAREGIVING? Since every child’s temperament is unique, his caregivers need to watch for his cues, working with, and not against his temperament. If you have a curious baby, show her new toys, let her feel the texture and let her smell and taste them. If you have a hypersensitive baby, do not blame your caregiving or the baby. It is not that the baby doesn’t “like” you - what the baby doesn’t like is something in her environment and she is trying to let you know. These babies get over-stimulated easily. Experiment and develop techniques that are soothing to her. Slow down; speak softly and comfortingly. Fast actions and transitions may overwhelm her. Try to adapt the environment (temperature, light, sounds). Approach slowly and only do one thing at a time: sing, rock, or speak. Doing all three may be too much. Notice the baby’s reaction after each interaction and watch for her cues to see what you can do next.
C. CRYING IS ONLY ONE WAY THAT A BABY COMMUNICATES
Children enter the world primed to get what they need by signaling their caregivers. Just think about how differently you would relate to the baby if you believed that each of her expressions and responses had meaning. They do! Babies are always trying to mmunicate
with you through:
- Facial expressions
- Body language
- Focusing inside themselves with eyes closed
- Level of tension or relaxation
- Body rhythms: sucking, nursing, tempo of movements
- Eye contact and what they choose to look at
For example, a baby who is mouthing his fist may be signaling that he is hungry. When a baby looks away when Auntie Sophie’s face comes in too close that may be a cue that says “You’re scaring me - back off.” When you are trying to give him a bottle, and he turns away from you, he is telling you that he’s had enough. If a baby is giving you direct eye contact, gurgling and kicking her feet, she is saying that she is having a great time with you and that she may not be ready to settle down for a nap. It is the caregiver’s ability to read the cues and respond appropriately that gives a baby security and onfidence. Feeling secure encourages him to try new things. Thus, learning begins.
Crying is a very important cue the baby sends. What he needs to know is that when he is sending you such an important cue, you will respond. By responding to a baby’s cry, you are teaching him trust and giving him a sense of security Very early, a baby develops quite a repertoire of cries -it may not only be that he is hungry. The cue may be “I’m lonely, come play with me” or “My diaper’s wet and I’m cold” or “My brother’s screaming is driving me crazy.”
WHAT DOES THIS MEAN FOR CAREGIVING? Try to respond to the baby’s cues before her frustration results in tears. When she cries, respond each time. Let her know that you heard her signal and that she has the power to communicate.
Watch for the baby’s cues all day long. Notice if she wants to continue an activity or if she begins to look away. Notice if she is rubbing her eyes- which may mean she’s sleepy and thus would be a poor time for a bath. Watch for hunger cues: salivating, chewing or smacking sounds, sucking on fingers and blankets. If she stiffens when you try to put her in her swing, guess what?
Can’t figure out what she is saying to you? Tell her gently: “Sweetie, I don’t know what you want! Tell me again. Want to be rocked? Want to look in the mirror? Want to sleep?” What she senses is a soothing tone. She may not get what she wants and that may be frustrating, but she knows you are in control, and that is comforting.
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“You never cease to amaze me, do it more!” |
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“Look at those eyes! I’m completely engaged. Let’s keep at this.” |
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“I could just sit here and look at you all day. So stay put.” |
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“I’m awake now, wet and you deserted me!” |
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“You are the most wonderful person I have ever met in my whole life!” |
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“What’s that noise? Someone better reassure me or I’m gonna lose it.” |
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“That was really cool! Do it again.” |
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“I’m tired and cranky and I did NOT like that bath. Help me calm down.” |
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“Your face is scratchy. Mom? Mom? Where are you?” |
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“You may be finding this a great read, but I am bored. If you don’t stop, I’m gonna get fussy. Let’s just rock a while instead.” |
II. NURTURE
Babies are born with amazing abilities. They come into the world primed to learn, copy, communicate and love. Genes are responsible for the basic internal wiring of a person’s brain and temperament, but it is a baby’s experiences in a responsive environment that enable him to realize his genetic potential.
A child’s emotional growth depends upon continuous interactions between his unique
emotional makeup and his life experiences (Barnet and Barnet). So, despite his inborn abilities, the young child is dependent on adults for physical survival, emotional security, and a safe base for learning, regulating, modeling and mentoring social behavior. Caregivers impart all the information about the workings of the world and rules for living.
Environments affect a baby so profoundly, that in-born temperament can be reshaped over time. Jerome Kagan reports that about one third of the children he studied whose temperament he classified as “inhibited” grew out of their timidity by kindergarten. It was the responsive behavior of their caregivers that helped them become more self-confident.
A. CHILDREN NEED RESPONSIVE CAREGIVING TO REACH THEIR POTENTIAL
The ability of an adult to be responsive to a child is the single most critical element of quality caregiving (Shonkoff et al, pp. 27-28). A caregiver’s overattentiveness or under-attentiveness to the baby’s cues will either encourage or discourage the baby’s inner equilibrium.
“It is in the first weeks and months of life that children try to understand and master their environment and find those efforts encouraged - or not, first attempt to concentrate and find it possible - or not, first conclude that the world is orderly and predictable-or not, first learn that others are basically supportive and caring - or not. It is in those years that the foundations for learning are laid down - or not.” (Parlakian 2004)
One does not need to learn special techniques for responsive caregiving. It is as simple as having a conversation. Babies thrive when their caregivers repeat their sounds, when they look into their eyes and talk back. These early conversations are a mutual learning experience: a smiling infant evokes pleasurable responses from the caregiver who continues to make faces and noises which continue to delight the baby. And so the cycle begins: initiating and maintaining cycles of happy reaction and response which leads to increased sharing and learning opportunities.
WHAT DOES THIS MEAN FOR CAREGIVING? A responsive caregiver hears the coos of the infant and starts a conversation. Keep looking directly into the baby’s eyes when speaking to her so she can see and smile with you. Talk and make funny faces together; read simple picture books together; point to things as you name them; sway and wiggle to music; enjoy some floor time each day, and especially, share her delight.
Do not think of responsive care as “giving in” to a baby’s will, but instead, it is giving the baby confidence in her ability to communicate effectively. Can you spoil a baby by rushing to her every time she cries? Experts believe that spoiling is impossible in the first months of life.
B. CHILDREN ARE INFLUENCED BY CULTURE & VALUES
Culture prescribes how and when babies are fed, where and with whom they sleep, the parameters for discipline, how caregivers respond to a baby’s cry and a toddler’s
temper tantrum. For example, in this country, a high value is placed on an individual’s independence and the road to independence starts at birth. Most parents place their infants in their own beds in their own rooms. They accept unrelated people as caregivers and they do not consider a weekend getaway without the baby unusual. Studies show that American parents are able to tolerate infant crying longer than other cultures and cuddle their children less.
Non-Western societies have different practices. Babies sleep in their parents’ bed or in the parents’ room, often until the next child is born, and maintain close physical contact throughout the day - holding, swaddling, and carrying their babies while shopping, working, cooking, etc. Their babies cry less because these parents are able to respond immediately to the baby’s needs. How do these babies sense the world? In traditional societies, the goal is not independence, but rather the survival of the infant and dependence on the community for getting needs met.
A word about “touch.” All babies need and crave touch. Holding a baby warmly and securely develops his sense of trust. It is not possible to spoil a baby with warm hugging, gentle massage or playful tickles. A growing body of research makes a strong case about the benefits of infant massage: babies who are massaged cry less, gain weight better, go to sleep more easily, make better eye contact, and have lower levels of stress hormones.
American parents talk to, look at, smile at and otherwise actively interact with infants much more so than others; but studies also show that Americans deemphasize physical contact as compared with more traditional societies. Unfortunately, it is becoming a cultural taboo for non-family members to hug and cuddle children for fear of nverstepping boundaries. It is truly a pity since touch is a basic human need that people never outgrow.
WHAT DOES THIS MEAN FOR CAREGIVING? Within a loving and responsive family, there is not a right way or wrong way to care for a baby. For the baby, the most important thing is consistency among his caregivers. Therefore, parents and caregivers need to discuss and agree upon the values and culture that is driving the style of parenting. Regarding massage, technique is not critical. It is most important to touch the
baby lovingly, stroking his back, tickling his toes, and holding him securely.
C. SCHOOL READINESS DOES NOT MEAN THE MASTERY OF NUMBERS AND LETTERS.
Many parents evaluate their child rearing as successful or unsuccessful depending on the child’s later success in school. Americans too often have a bias toward believing that school readiness depends on a child’s cognitive skills, often overlooking the more important social emotional skills that give children the ability to communicate, cooperate and cope in new environments. These skills are the real path to school success. They help children adapt and be resilient, to resolve conflicts, to make sense of their feelings, to develop mutually dependent relationships, and allow children to concentrate on learning. For school readiness, the developmental goals are confidence, curiosity, self-control, cooperativeness and the capacity to communicate. Childcare strategies and practices are most effective if geared to instill these qualities since it is these - and not numbers and letters - that prepare a child for success in life.
Loving, responsive caregiving provides babies with the best route to school readiness. Research emphasizes that the most critical part of responsive caregiving - as it relates to school readiness - is talking directly to a child beginning day 1. Maintaining eye contact and repeating back those gurgles and coos helps the infant understand the back and forth nature of language and conversation. (Brainwonders) Infants and children who are conversed with, read to and otherwise engaged in lots of verbal interaction show more advanced linguistic skills. Children who hear fewer words and who are engaged in less conversation before age 3 have dramatically smaller vocabularies than those with richer early language experiences. And the effect lasts: language experience before age 3 is an excellent predictor of reading ability in 3rd grade.(Wilen, 2003)
WHAT DOES THIS MEAN FOR CAREGIVING? Forget fancy videos and complicated toys. Throw out the flashcards and all the other gadgets that promise to increase your child’s IQ. Read, talk, play, & respond to his cues. Talk to the baby early and talk to her often. Use routine tasks such as diapering and bathing as an opportunity for communication. Be sure to listen and enthusiastically acknowledge her responses. Listen to music and sing, hum, and dance with the baby. Start a routine of a special lullaby at night that signals the baby that it is time to sleep. Remember: it is not just sound (e.g. from the television or CD), but the back and forth of conversation and eye-toeye contact that enhances cognitive development.
D. FULL-TIME WORKING SCHEDULES DO NOT HARM THE MOTHER-INFANT ATTACHMENT
Research is reassuring to working parents concerned that non-parental childcare will
adversely affect infant-mother attachment. Mother remains the primary object of attachment even for babies in full-time non-parental care. (Shonkoff et al, pp. 307-308) It has been shown that it is not the number of hours in non-parental care, but the quality of mothers’ responsive caregiving that develops, maintains and strengthens the infant-maternal attachment.
Does non-parental care influence the cognitive and social-emotional development of a child? It can. A baby or toddler is profoundly affected by the quality and continuity of his experience in non-parental care. Poor quality childcare is associated with poor developmental outcomes, while high quality care is associated with positive outcomes. It is the quality of the relationship between caregivers and the baby - if it is consistent, sensitive and stimulating - that is associated with positive outcomes.
Research also confirms that children are not adversely affected by the daily goodbye as a parent leaves for work - despite the rather dramatic tears that come when the child is around 6-9 months old. It is not the goodbye that counts, but RE-ENTRY. In other words, when parents come home, it is that first hour of parent/child interaction that is most critical. Children need to feel loved and secure after a day apart. Tension and exhaustion at the end of the day when a child most needs reassurance are the enemies of secure attachment - not the working parent’s absence.
WHAT DOES THIS MEAN FOR CAREGIVING? Keep in mind your nanny’s most important role: providing a loving, stimulating, responsive and language-rich environment for the baby. Parents are household employers for their nanny. As with any employment situation, the goal is retain a happy, skilled, motivated employee. Replacing a nanny is expensive - not only monetarily - but it comes with a
high cost for your attached child. Having a problem that you don’t know how to address?
Call Parents in a Pinch and we will try to unravel the issues to understand if it is better for your family to work on the issues or better to replace your nanny. And think about “re-entry.” Think about coming home to a quiet time of reviewing the day, reading a book together, preparing dinner in an unhurried fashion. Try not to rush it. Let yourself unwind with quiet, uninterrupted time with the baby.
CONCLUSION
Each day, six million American children under age three spend some or all of their day in the care of someone other than their parents. (Understanding Children, pp.6-7) Day care centers, family day care homes, au pairs, babysitters, nannies, kith and kin are all recruited to share in the task of raising the nation’s children.
Although styles of caregiving differ based on family, community and cultural values, there are some universal truths:
- Every child is a unique individual with his or her own temperament
- Children are curious, amazed and begin learning from the moment of their birth
- All interactions between caregivers and children are teaching moments
- Children thrive when they receive responsive care in a stimulating language-rich environment.
We know that children learn best through imitation and exploration in the context of secure, limited-stress relationships and that the most effective caregivers - parents and nannies - provide nurturance, support, security, predictability, focus, and encouragement. They provide thoughtful and active childcare, actively aware of the child’s needs and desires when holding, feeding, changing, talking and listening. Not only will this result in responsive and stimulating interactions but also in a more alert, curious, secure, and trusting baby prepared for learning and a lifetime of relationships.
BIBLIOGRAPHY
Barnet, Ann B. and Barnet, Richard J. The Youngest Minds, New York: Simon and Shuster.
Before the ABC’s: Promoting School Readiness in Infants and Toddlers, Washington DC: Zero to Three.
Brainwonders, www.zerotothree.org/brainwonders/FAQ-body.html .
Brazelton, T., Berry, Touchpoints: Your Child’s Emotional and Behavioral Development, Addison Wesley, Reading, MA.
Chase, Stella, Thomas, Alexander, KNOW YOUR CHILD . Basic Books, 1987.
From Neurons to Neighborhoods, Shonkoff Jack, P, Phillips, Deborah A, editors.
National Academy Press, Washington, DC.
Michael Lamport, Miller, Patrice Marie, Emotional Learning in Infants: A Cross Cultural Examination, Harvard Medical School, www.naturalchild.org .
Lally, J. Ronald, “The Human Rights of Infants & Toddlers” Zero to Three LDI conference 2004.
McCarty, Wendy., Being with Babies: What Babies are Teaching Us, Wondrous Beginnings,1996.
Morelli, G.A., Rogoff, B. Oppenheim, D & Goldsmith, D., “Cultural Variations in Infants’ Sleeping Arrangements: Questions of independence,” Developmental Psychology, 1992.
Parlakian, R., Before the ABCS: Promoting School Readiness in Infants and Toddlers, Zero to Three,
Sturm, Lynn, Temperament in Early Childhood: A Primer for the Perplexed, Zero to Three, Vol. 24, March 2004.
Wilen, Julie Rubins, “What are School Smarts?” Ready for School. Ounce of Prevention Fund 2003.
Zero To Three: The National Center for Clinical Infant Programs Head Start: The Emotional Foundation of School Readiness, Arlington, Virginia, 1992.
Written by: Barbara Marcus, Parents in a Pinch
