Separation Anxiety
‘Mommy, Don’t Go’:
How to Keep Separation Anxiety From Escalating
At age one, my firstborn child developed a bad case of separation anxiety. As she screamed and cried during our daily goodbyes at child care, I questioned every decision I had ever made regarding my job and her care. The stage soon passed, and my daughter adjusted to my leave-takings.
But years later, I still worry. Did those early separations do lasting damage?
The subject of attachment and separation — how children form the early emotional bonds that shape their development, and how those bonds are damaged — is a hot topic. It generated no less than 64 studies presented at the biennial meeting last month of the Society for Research in Child Development in Tampa, Fla. Among the 700 members of Executive Moms, New York, a mothers’ group, managing separations is always an emotional issue, says Marisa Thalberg, president.
Separation anxiety isn’t bad in and of itself, researchers say. It’s normal for a child to be anxious about separating from a parent, usually starting at about six months of age. But how parents and caregivers respond to that anxiety is crucial in shaping a cornerstone of a child’s emotional development: the ability to form attachments to adults and, ultimately, to any other human being.
If parents handle separations capably — preparing the child well, leaving him with sensitive, consistent caregivers and behaving in a way that builds trust — the child is likely to do just fine. But if parents and other important caregivers are insensitive, neglectful or chronically distracted, a baby is at increased risk of becoming “insecurely attached,” or unable to form comforting, responsive bonds with others. A baby’s temperament is also a powerful factor in the ability to form attachments.
Infants who are securely attached have learned to turn to adults for reassurance and support. When upset over a separation, a securely attached baby settles down quickly in response to an adult’s comforting. A child who is insecurely attached can’t be readily calmed. The baby may avoid the parent or sitter when stressed and ignore or resist contact when reunited after a brief separation.
Early attachment is a powerful predictor of school success, peer relationships and mental health, according to a 24-year study of 175 children by L. Alan Sroufe of the University of Minnesota. A child who was securely attached in infancy is more likely to form lasting friendships and to reach out to help others in need. They are more able to be vulnerable and intimate with friends and, later, in romantic relationships.
Insecurely attached children tend to be more susceptible to stress and anxiety and to have poor peer relationships.
The cost of insecure attachment is evident in the story of a Memphis consultant. Now in middle age, the consultant says her mother made it impossible for her to be securely attached as a child. It wasn’t her mother’s leaving for work that did the damage, the consultant says. It was that her mother brushed her aside when she came home from work, and left again to visit relatives or go to community meetings.
If only her mother had “tried to convey to me that being with me and our family was more important” than work, the consultant says, she would have been OK. Instead, “the commitment to other things more important than me continued after work hours.” She has been hard-pressed ever since to build a sense of self-worth, she says. Put off by her mother’s example, she has remained childless.
To help your child form secure attachments: Respond warmly and consistently to your baby’s facial expressions and cries. Pick her up when she signals she wants to be held. Pay close attention to her need for closenesss, and comfort and talk to her.
Manage separations with care. Prepare your child by leaving for very short periods at first.
“Don’t go from zero to 60 m.p.h. at once,” says Stanley Greenspan, author of “The Secure Child.” Provide one consistent caregiver who is warm, nurturing and mature. Behave in a way that builds trust; return home when you say you will.
Chicago attorney Pat Bergeson agonized over leaving her daughter, Katherine Hayes, when she was a toddler. “That awful feeling of her clinging to me and begging me to stay home — that stays with you,” she says. But Katherine, now 14, remembers most vividly her happy reunions with her mom. Katherine would wait on the sidewalk. When her mother appeared at the appointed hour, they ran to meet, and Ms. Bergeson would sweep Katherine up and carry her home.
More than her mother’s departures, Katherine says, “I have pictures in my head” of that moment.
Monitor your child’s ability to rebound from separations. Call when you get to work to find out how long it took her to settle down after you left; a few minutes should be enough. Watch your child closely during periods of stress, to see if she’s able to accept comfort and affection.
Make clear to your child that being together is important to you. One way is to practice rituals upon returning home. Laura Wilkinson, an Atlanta account manager, hated leaving her two young sons for work. But when she returned home, she sat in their backyard and listened to the boys tell about their day, then played or read with them. Today, the younger of those sons, Cameron, 16, says his memories of those rituals are more powerful than those of her departures.
“Every time she came home, everything was better,” he says. “If you take good care of your kids and pay enough attention, there’s no need to worry.”
Updated May 22, 2003
Copyright © 2003 Dow Jones & Company, Inc. All Rights Reserved
WHEN TO WORRY
Some signs of insecure attachment…
- Lack of open affection
- Withdrawal from nurturing gestures
- Chronic fretfulness or anxiety… Versus normal separation anxiety
- Clinging and crying when you leave
- Can calm down a few minutes later
- Symptoms don’t interfere with normal daily activities
Sources: ‘The Children’s Hospital Guide to Your Child’s Health and Development’; ‘Becoming Attached,’ by Robert Karen
