The Association of Premier Nanny Agencies - News and Articles Blog

A year has passed and although your baby still looks like a baby and continues to need basic nurturing care - feeding, diapering and lullabies - you are approaching a new and challenging phase: toddlerhood . The toddler years are a time when your child is developing exciting new capabilities, but at a faster pace than the ability to apply them safely.

A toddler feels that the world is his oyster. He is developing a stronger sense of self, is proud of his new skills, and feels like he now can take on anything. It is his caregiver’s job to guide him through these new experiences in a way that is safe yet not too restricting in order to promote positive self esteem - - the underpinning of all healthy development.

A toddler walks, runs, wants to do “it” herself and suddenly she wants to be a baby again and begs to be carried. She is developing directed speech, but doesn’t always know how to express herself clearly, frustrating herself and her caregivers. She is curious about everything and wants to explore everywhere. She pushes the buttons on stove and electronic equipment, pulls down things that she cannot see and tastes those interesting tidbits she finds on the ground.

The key to a successful toddlerhood is the ability of caregivers to tune into the child’s temperament. Parents who understand temperament can improve their parenting abilities and help their child reach a more harmonious fit with situations at home, in school, on the playground, and in life. (Carey, p.xxiv). Temperament is not taught nor can it easily be changed. Some children may be slow to warm up with strangers while others perform for all the dinner guests. One may nap peacefully with a “blankey” when, at the same age, his big brother complained loudly when you put him in the crib. Too many people in the room or loud music may overwhelm some. Others can sit happily in their mother’s lap during a party responding, observing and imitating. It is how parents and caregivers understand and respond to the child’s individual temperament that will lead to a more positive relationship and enhance a child’s self esteem.

Some caregivers confuse typical stage of development with temperament. A child may be behaving in a developmentally appropriate way, rather than having a challenging temperament. Here are some tips about realistic expectations for your toddler.

• Temperament labels such as shy, easy, difficult, loud, or impulsive can create expectations for children to act a certain way, and prevent them from branching out beyond the label - which can be harmful to self esteem and can last into adulthood.
• Temperament has a large impact on family relationships and influences the way adults treat children. Due to temperament differences, two children can experience the same family very differently: An outgoing, easy-to-adapt child may ask and receive more affection than a sibling who is sensitive or slow-to-warm up.
• Children’s temperament can have an effect on how parents judge themselves and their parenting skills. Parents with children who have “easy” temperaments tend to feel successful while parents of challenging, spirited, or “difficult” children tend to feel more helpless and less successful. Some challenging behaviors are due to a child’s environment that is out-of-sync with her temperament.

As toddlers try out their new skills, one of the most important challenges is to keep them safe. Accidental poisonings and in-home accidents are most common during the toddler years. This is the time to be certain that every room in your house is childproofed. Many websites will give you a room-by-room review. Try these:
http://www.babyzone.com/parenting/safety/proof.asp and
http://parentcenter.babycenter.com/general/bigkid/gsafety/72281.html .
And even if you have locked, padded, removed and safeguarded the environment, never take your eyes off the 18-month-old energizer bunny. Faster than a speeding bullet, a little one can find herself in deep trouble.

Many parents feel that the toddler years present the most difficult parenting challenges, and in many ways, mirror adolescence. Both caregivers and children are experiencing issues around separation, self-expression, and independence. This paper will address

• Separation,
• Limit setting, and
• Challenges for working parents

I. SEPARATION ANXIETY

The theme of toddlerhood is separation. From feeding himself to refusing to walk one step further, the toddler is constantly working on becoming a separate, independent person (Shimm, p.20). But toddlers feel ambivalent: they want to do it themselves but are afraid of being alone without your support.

When your baby was first born, she probably adapted pretty well to other caregivers. Around 8 months to 1 year, this starts to change. Your baby may seem anxious around unfamiliar people and situations and she may not want to let you out of her sight. This behavior is known as stranger anxiety. Actually, this is a good sign, because your baby is starting to tell the difference between familiar and unfamiliar people.

Developmentally, your child is beginning to understand the concept of object permanence - that is, that there’s only one of you, and when she can’t see you, that means you’ve gone away. However, she does not yet understand the concept of time, and she doesn’t know if or when you’ll come back. So whether you’re in the kitchen, in the next bedroom, or at the office, it’s all the same to your toddler. You’ve disappeared.

During this stage, you’re likely to experience a host of different emotions. You may feel flattered that your child doesn’t want to leave you, but at the same time, you’re likely to feel guilty about leaving her in such distress. You may also start to feel overwhelmed by the amount of attention she seems to need from you.

Try to keep in mind that this is a stage that she will outgrow and that your child’s unwillingness to leave you is a good sign that healthy attachments have developed between the two of you. Eventually she’ll be able to remember that you always return after you leave, and these memories will be enough to comfort her while you are gone.

MAKING GOOD-BYES EASIER

• If possible, try not to start childcare with an unfamiliar person between the ages of 8 months and 1 year.
• Try to schedules your departures after naps and mealtimes: she will be more distressed if you leave when she’s tired, hungry, or restless.
• Practice being apart from each other, and introduce new people and places gradually. Before you leave her with her new nanny, invite the nanny over in advance so they can spend time together while you’re in the room. Practice leaving her for short
  periods of time so that she’ll get used to being away from you and can see that you always come back.
• Be calm and consistent. Create a good-bye ritual during which you say a pleasant, loving, and firm good-bye. Stay calm and reassure her that you’ll be back - and explain how long it will be using concepts she’ll understand (such as after her lunch or after her nap) because she can’t yet understand time. Give her your full attention when you say good-bye, and when you say you’re leaving, mean it; coming back will only make things worse.
• To reassure yourself, call the caregiver after you get to work. Chances are pretty good that your toddler has calmed down and is involved in an activity (DON’T ask to speak to him. That will start up the crying all over again!).
• Never sneak out the door. This may be tempting but experts agree that this will cause even more anxiety.
• Do not dismiss the child’s feelings but remain upbeat and resolute (”I know leaving is really tough and that you’re not happy. But I know that you’ll have fun today and we’ll see one another after naptime!”)
• Make sure that the nanny knows what blanket or stuffed animal will be comforting
  for the child.
• Make time to spend alone with the child upon your return, even if it is only 10-15 minutes.

II. LIMIT SETTING

The toddler years are often the first time parents need to set limits on their child’s ehavior. Caregivers often feel ambivalent, wanting to give and receive only positive effection. But limit setting need not be considered negative or punitive.

Limit setting is guiding a child toward self control. If you view children’s misbehavior as a mistake in judgment, it may be easier to think of positive and supportive ways to teach a more acceptable alternative. By setting clear limits and disciplining in a positive, loving way, you can help a child begin to learn how to control her own behavior and how to set
her own limits.

10 PRINCIPLES OF LIMIT SETTING

1. Understanding child development
It is crucial to understand what is developmentally appropriate behavior. The job of a toddler is to taste, touch, smell, squeeze, tote, poke, pour, sort, explore, and test. At times toddlers are greedy, at times grandiose. They do not share well; they need time to
experience ownership before they are expected to share. They need to assert themselves and they need to separate to a degree from their parents, to individuate. One way they do this is to say “no” and not to do what is asked. If adults understand children at this age, they will create an environment that is safe, allows autonomy, and will develop methods of relating to the child that promotes development.

2. Consistency
If routines are clear, there will be less conflict. Keep household rules few, firm and fair.
Then, let the children know exactly what you expect. Avoid general rules. Instead of “Be
good,” say instead, “I need quiet while I am driving. Please use a quiet voice.”

3. Promoting self-esteem
Respect a child’s emotions. Teach her that its OK to have negative emotions like anger
and help her learn how to channel those emotions productively. “You want to play with
the truck, but Jamie is using it right now.” Then, offer a solution: “You will be able to play
with the truck again in 1 minute.” One-year-olds can begin to understand “just a minute”
and will wait patiently if you really follow through 60 seconds later. 2-3 year olds can
learn to understand “I’ll tell you when its your turn,” if you follow through within 2 minutes. This helps children learn how to delay gratification but does not thwart their short-term understanding of time.

4. Positive Approach
Always follow what the child CAN’T do with what the child CAN do: “We don’t hit the cat.
Pat her gently on her back like this.” “Puzzle pieces are not for throwing. Lets put them in their place together.” This set firm limits, yet helps the child know what to do and that you are there to teach him.

5. Distraction and redirection
For toddlers, redirection and distraction are very appropriate techniques. If the child
wants to touch something unsafe, say: “Uh-oh, not for baby, let’s come over here and
you can play with your blocks.” Then pick up the child and physically move her. If you
sense an impending tantrum, say: “Oh WOW! Look at all of those rocks over there! Let’s
pick one up before we leave the park.” After toddlerhood, distraction is less effective as a
means of teaching what is appropriate behavior.

6. Address the action without shaming or labeling the child
Never tell the child he is bad or messy. Point out that it is the behavior or action you don’t
like. For example, say “We don’t hit other children in this house” as opposed to: “I can’t
believe you are such a bully.” Also remember that (a) toddlers have short memories and
may not remember rules established days before and that (b) children often have
difficulty differentiating between real and pretend.

7. Alternatives to “NO”
Reserve the word “no” for those circumstances that really require it, so that it will have
more impact. Don’t say, “No, you can’t go outside until you finish your lunch.” Try: “Of
course you can play outside . . .as soon as we’ve finished lunch”. Finally, for every no,
offer 2 acceptable choices. “No Carla, you cannot pinch Sarah. You can pinch this
rubber duck or squeeze this pillow.” Also, avoid asking a “yes” or “no” question when
“no” is not an acceptable response. Ask: “Do you want to brush your teeth before or after
taking a bath?” rather than “Do you want to brush your teeth now?”

8. Choose your battles
Don’t try to change all the toddler’s behaviors at once. Give some time for the child to
feel successful. When you are heading for a conflict, think first: Is this important? Is it so
terrible if she wears a tutu or her wears a superman costume to the supermarket?

9. Choices
The more area in which you can offer a child a choice, the better he will tolerate the
situations he has no control over. Offer food choices, clothing choices, now or later
choices, toy and activity choices, etc. Just make sure that you would be happy with either
of the options you are giving. Note: Give only two choices. More may frustrate him.

10. Planning ahead
Prevent misbehavior by eliminating tense situations. For example, do no t take kids
shopping when they are hungry or tired.

TANTRUMS

Imagine you are determined to program your new VCR and are not able to do it, no matter how hard you try. It’s pretty frustrating: do you swear, throw the manual, walk away, slam the door on yo ur way out? That’s the adult version of a tantrum. Children use the only tools at their disposal for venting frustration.

Toddlers are stretching their new powerful opinions and desires and don’t yet have the tools to deal with disappointment and delaying gratification. They want to get to everything, try everything, do everything themselves one minute, and want you to do it for them the next. Inevitably, they get frustrated and so do you! Toddlers act out their frustration, disappointment and/or anger in tantrums, ranging from whining and crying to screaming, kicking, hitting, and breath holding. They are equally common in boys and girls and usually occur between ages 1 and 3.

Tantrums are a normal part of development and do not have to be seen as something
negative. Even the most good-natured toddler has an occasional temper tantrum.
“Children don’t have the same inhibitions or control [that adults have], and the fact that
they feel negative emotions is normal,” says Dr. Heidi Feldman, Children’s Hospital of
Pittsburgh. “Tantrums should be seen as opportunities for education, not as catastrophes.”

The most important thing to keep in mind when you’re faced with a child in the throes of a tantrum is simple: keep cool while making sure she is safe. Don’t complicate the problem with your own frustration. “A child will sense a parent’s rising emotional tone,” Dr. Feldman explains. “That will raise the child’s emotional tone, and you’ll get into a more exaggerated tantrum. Take deep breaths. Think clearly.” Your child relies on you to be the example. Hitting and spanking don’t help; physical tactics send the message that using force and physical punishment is OK. Instead, have enough selfcontrol for both of you.

• Toddlers have fairly rudimentary reasoning skills, so you’re not likely to get far with explanations. If the tantrum poses no threat to the child or others, continue your activities, paying no attention to the child but remaining within sight or hearing range.
• If a child has a tantrum at home, put him in a safe place where there are no fragile items and let him play it out. Some children respond to a warm strong hug, some children are best left untouched.
• If you’re in a public place, scoop her up, holding her closely, and go and sit in your car, Repeat calmly: “I am here as soon as you are ready to talk.”

AFTER THE STORM

Some toddlers, because of their temperaments, have a really hard time bringing themselves down after a tantrum. You might have to say to them, ‘I’ll help you settle down now.’

• A child may be especially vulnerable after a tantrum when she knows she has been less than adorable. Now is the time for a hug and reassurance that she is loved.
• Don’t reward or punish a tantrum, and let it go when it is over.
• After the tantrum has completely passed, discuss what the child was feeling, talk about using words to express needs and wants. “You were really angry. Now I am ready to listen to you and understand what you want to tell me.” Use simple language and don’t lecture.

III. WORK/FAMILY BALANCE

Often moms wait until the toddler years before they return to work. All the issues of toddlerhood can be heightened if the mother’s ambivalence is communicated to the child. It is important to note that research has shown that a child is NOT harmed by a mother working. A child’s development is influenced more by how the mother and family feel about her working, the quality of the childcare/caregiver relationship and stress within the family. A child who is emotionally well adjusted, well-loved and well cared for will thrive whether or not a mother works outside the home. (Shelov, p.596) It is completely normal a mother to worry about working outside the home, but it is important to separate her own needs and feelings from feeling that the child will be harmed by the fact of her working.

WHAT CAN PARENTS DO

• As much as possible, when there are two partners, share the work.
• Find childcare providers that are consistent with your approach to childcare.
• Don’t forget your relationship with your spouse. Try to institute a regular “date night.”
• When you come home, find some quiet, special time to spend alone with the child, even if it is 10 minutes, to discuss your days, see the latest art project, read a book together, etc.
• Make sure you take care of your own needs - exercise, a massage, a facial, coffee with a friend.
• Don’t expect yourself to be super woman, we all just do the best we can. Prioritize!
• If you need help with your work/family balance or how to approach your career or
  employer, Parents in a Pinch has strategic partners who specialize in this area.
• Toddlerhood is a challenging time, and your working should not be blamed for it!
• Consistency of care is what will help your child feel secure and safe. You and your nanny are a team.

Conclusion

Toddlerhood is a dynamic stage, full of exciting new capabilities and challenges. You and your toddler are learning to separate from one another, you are perfecting methods that calmly and positively teach him acceptable behavior, and you are patiently waiting for your toddler’s frustration to turn into clearly articulated and reasoned requests. Hang in there!

Bibliography

Brazelton, Berry T. Touchpoints. Reading, MA: Addison Wellesley, 1992.
Carey, William, B. Understanding Your Child’s Temperament. New York: MacMillan,
1997.
Eisenberg, Alsion, Murkoff, Heidi E., Hathaway, Sandee E.. What To Expect from the
Toddler Years. New York: Workman Publishing, 1996.
Shelov, Steven, B. Caring For Your Baby and Young Child. New York: Bantam, 1998
Shimm, Pamela Henderson and Ballin, Kate. Parenting Your Toddler: The Experts
Guide to the Tough and Tender Years. Reading, MA: Addison Wellesley, 1995
Warren, Rita M. Caring: Supporting Children’s Growth. 1977.

Written by: Barbara Marcus, Parents in a Pinch

This entry was posted on Thursday, November 30th, 2006 at 3:29 pm and is filed under Articles for Parents. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.